If We Were Speaking…


I discovered another detail about myself today—another truth I wish weren’t true. Lately I feel like these unwelcome epiphanies sort of line a trophy shelf over my subconscious.

I excuse myself from the people, situations or light of day and hide away in a large dark room. Maybe my voice will softly absorb into the old berber carpet before it echoes through the glass door twenty feet in front of me. I choke on anger or desperation and cough out another jumbled prayer.

It’s a blessing that God understands what I’m saying better than I do. Standing in a jumble of wires, I can’t find an end to begin unweaving the mess. So I pray. I pray to understand. I pray questions about myself, you and the idiotic situation we both seem locked into.

Why can’t we see the judgement waiting for us at the end of life? Our arrogance and stupidity would surely be less consequential if we all stood naked before the Lord and each other. Habits, selfishness, sins, anger, thoughtlessness, impatience all piled at our feet in a bloody mess.

Today the detail I discovered is chaos. I am chaotic.

Every morning I run a predictable schedule and behave in predictable ways—until I don’t. Beneath the rituals of my day bubbles the same chaos the Lord saw in the vast darkness before creation. In the bloody mess of pre-creation, God dug deep and bare-handed into the quagmire and brought forth one element of order after another.

The Lord of Genesis tames chaos and builds the only truly reliable structures. When faced with breaking his own rules to destroy a rebellious creation, the Lord of order chose instead to die.

I discovered a reality about the Lord today—a truth so fundamental to his character I’m ashamed I’ve never dwelt on it before.

It is our role to hand our chaos—our filthy rags, to the Lord and allow his order to present paths of restoration.

I think it’s time to stop speaking and cobbling together my own ideas. The Lord knows I want to do what’s truly right; only he knows the path to that hilltop swing.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
–Matthew 6:33


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